Dr. God, Engage Kill Switch

Dear God,

The last several months have been a roller coaster of epic proportions. And as fun as that sounds, I'm kinda tired of the ride. So how about you just hit the kill switch and let everyone off.

And just like the roller coaster expectations of screaming, yelling and fear, I find myself needing to scream, yell, cuss and be angry for being on this when I don't want to be.  But, I can't.  I can't yell, I can't cuss, I can't be angry.  Instead, like the one gripped by fear on their first roller coaster, I am speechless.  Well, not speechless, but close to it.

I guess I just don't really know how to respond.  Sure I'm angry.  Yes, the words of frustration are plenty.  But, I'm thankful.  Like Job not cursing you, I'm not.  I'm thankful that I'm learning to lean on you again.  I'm thankful that my family is alive.  I'm thankful for the friends that surround my family.

I sit and wonder what's wrong with me, ya know, considering I'm not angry.  Why am I unable to scream?  Rage has been the option for many a men better than me.  Yet, here I sit, teary eyed some days, and find myself thankful.  Maybe it's because of what you've already seen me through.  Maybe it's because I'm fairly certain there is more you have for me to learn.  Whatever "it" is that keeps me from all out rage is a blessing in disguise.  Maybe it's just because I know things could be a lot worse.

So for now, God, I guess my only request is that you hit the kill switch on this roller coaster.  You know I have emetophobia and I'm pretty certain that if the ride keeps it's current pace of continuous upside down twists and turns, my wife and daughter are gonna get sick.  That won't be pretty.

Thank you, God.

Beauty of Change

"The only constant in life is change." Heraclitus

Seems like Heraclitus was a pretty smart guy.  The irony of the statement is what gets me.  The only thing that will stay the same is the very thing that is never going to stay the same.  Change!  Yes, change happens everyday, even for the most routine following person you know.

Some people do change well.  Other abhor the thought of change.  You'll find people that will take a different route to work daily just to change things up.  Or you have that one person that will maintain the same schedule, same route and same everything on their way to work just to maintain consistency.  But, the very efforts we put in to maintain that which we are comfortable with will prove we have no control over change.  Even the Khaki wearing Jim Harbaugh will not have success maintaining change (the visual in my head of Khaki's and Jim are priceless; you're welcome).  Be it a different stream of cars traveling with you on your way to work or a new policy at work, change will happen every single day.  How you respond...well...there is no App for it.  But, there is guidance.

Currently my life is a massive blender with nearly every facet of my life seeing change.  I can't keep up with it.  I'm embracing this constant merry-go-round; staring it down daily is exhaustive though.  The peaks and valleys of emotions remind me of my trip on the Sandia Peak Tramway.  I'm doing my best to embrace the changes.  I love where most of them are going.  Those I don't love, I'm still accepting.

It seems all this change is occurring at the same time.  Moving; buying/selling a house; dog getting old and being put down; professional changes; no matter the situation it keeps right on rolling along and I can't seem to get anything to stop.  But, it's change and it will just keep happening.

I'd like to think I'm handling it fairly well.  I know I'd be lying to myself it that were the case.  I might better serve everyone if I admit that at times you would think I'm at a masquerade on any given day.  Some days the stresses of everything are easy to deal with.  I laugh, I smile and rest on the knowledge that God's got this.  Then there are days I sit in silence at my desk nearing tears and a panic attack dwelling on the unknown.  I've taken everything into my own hands and knowledge as I question if God really knows what he is doing.  Yet, you still see me smiling, enjoying life and acting like all is perfect.  Well, all is mostly perfect.  Like anything in life it comes down to perspective.

Here's my problem: I have no idea why I'm nearing panic attacks.  There's no reason I'm stressing about everything.  I have no reason to not believe God has this.  Nothing is worth the stress, but I'm making panic acceptable.  Man, I hate this!

God knows!!!  He knows the hairs on my head.  He knows where the bird is gonna get his food from.  He knows when the lion is going to sleep.  Tomorrow will worry about itself, I don't need to do the worrying (Aaron interpreted version of Matthew 6:25-34).

Do me a favor, if you would please.  Next time you see me and it looks like I might be coming close to tears and a panic attack just smack me.  Seriously!!!  Yes, I said smack me.  I very well could ask you why you're hitting me; just remind me I told you to.  It's not that I don't want to be concerned about what the future is holding or how change will unfold, I just don't have justification to worry.


Now, back to the edge of my life; enjoying the change for the beauty it is bringing.

Social Media - It's Beauty and Ugliness

I began writing a post earlier today that I felt was going to serve a purpose in making a point that needed made.  As you can see, this is not that post.  No, that post was to vague.  It was written so as to not offend but state my case.  Maybe I should have kept it.  And, I may regret not keeping it.  No big deal.  Sometimes, those types of blogs aren't what needs to be said.  Nope, no words in those types of blogs will do any justice to the thoughts running through my head.  So this post is what you are stuck with.  Here is my single warning to you though - you will be offended.  You will get mad at me for saying what I have to say.  You will deem me a fool for saying these things.  You might also find even more faults in my words than you already have in previous posts.  I'm okay with that.  I'm not even gonna be surprised if you find me among the worst individuals you know.  Just know that I'm still gonna love you for being you; consider you among my many friends; know that you are just like me - a perfect picture of imperfection.

Social media can be a great tool.  You can stay abreast of the current news topics of the day.  Events you'd like to attend are blasted all over the place keeping you in the loop for social gatherings.  I learn of concerts in the area I'd like to go to.  Social media allows us to maintain contact with friends across the country.  It is a beautiful use of a tool with the simple strike of a few keys or swipes up and down on our phones.  It is how most of us feel as if we aren't being left out of life events of family.  It is beautiful indeed.  BUT!

Social media is also where people find the strength to be someone they are not.  It is the best place to misinterpret another's beliefs/words/observations/etc.  It has become the best place to get offended/insulted/chastised/etc.  More over, it has also become the best place for christians to show the world how hypocritical/hateful/self righteous we can be.  Don't believe me?  Go scroll through you Facebook/Twitter feeds.  Go to your favorite bands Facebook page and see what kind of responses they get to some of their opinions.  And as you read through these feeds I guarantee you will get offended, you will get your feelings hurt and you will find yourself falling into the trap of saying something you will regret later.

Many times I have been the recipient of tongue lashings from people based on a post that they felt didn't line up with their beliefs.  I've shared political opinions that have rubbed some the wrong way.  I've been accused of being hateful simply because I've disagreed with an individuals ideology.  I've been fine with those disagreements, mostly because the differences of opinion has been civil and respectful.  BUT!

I'm finding there is nothing more pulverizing in a social media post that a post intended for humor that is immediately taken the wrong way.  I've personally misinterpreted someones musings as seriousness.  I've responded incorrectly to their thoughts.  I've not put myself in their shoes to understand what they were seeing/thinking/feeling.  A rush to judgement was made.  I felt they were insensitive to the masses.  When in reality it wasn't what they posted that was the problem, it was me.  I was the one having a bad day.  It was me who took offense too easily.  It was me who couldn't find humor as they could.  It was I that forgot to take the plank out of my own eye and was all to willing to point out the error of that individuals words.  Oops!

Last night the roles were reversed.  I was finding humor in the simplicity of life.  A simple observation of my surroundings that were meant to provide others a chuckle and enjoy life and the humor we as humans can provide.  I shared my thoughts of my perceived humor in the surroundings I was in and all based on those around me.  It was my attempt to not take life so seriously.  My bad!!!

I was soon bombarded by thoughts and perceived assumptions of my motives.  None of those responding to the post were near me.  Everyone responding knew I was laughing loudly for all to hear.  They knew I was mocking an elderly man in front of everyone in the restaurant I was in.  They knew I had malice in my blood and I humiliated the gentleman.  Nobody saw that I complimented the employee or that I admitted a fault I have.  They all assumed there was circumstances beyond the gentleman's control that I wasn't aware of thus hurting this persons feelings.  Everyone ignored the fact I didn't use any names.  Everyone ignored my intents and knew I was sharing what I did for pure self gratification.  I was accused of being a horrible representation of Christ; of how I should know better than to mock those with lesser capabilities than I.

To those that assumed the worst, couldn't understand my observation with the intended humor, believed in the worst of me and showed their disbelief in me...Thank you.  Thank you for making sure I knew I was human.  If it weren't for you I would never have known that life is more serious than I thought.  Shame on me for seeing humor where humor should not have been considered.  How I need to consider what potential ailments people may have before I chuckle at mere words.  I didn't know that complementing a great job by people would be overshadowed by my self centered need of being a bully.

Here's the problem though.  Your responses to me are all based on assumption.  You've used your understanding of being like Christ as a reprimand.  Your understanding of scripture has allowed you to twist God's word into your own method of shaming others.  You've used your perfection as a standard for all to live and shoved it in my face when I don't meet that expectation.  You have provided solid evidence that life should be void of levity and enjoying the simple moments of simple humor should never be shared.

I guess you've never had a good chuckle at the innocence of a child near you.  I suppose you and your spouse have never shared a good belly laugh at the words you just can't get out because of hiccups.  You probably never watch YouTube videos of the epic fails people have while on their skateboards.  You certainly haven't laughed at your co-worker jump when they realize you snuck up on them.  It is obvious you think through every little aspect of your actions; your words are always well thought out before one leaves your mouth or hits print on social media.  Silly me for not knowing that.  BUT...

All of the above isn't the saddest part of everything isn't my words.  It isn't even the fact that people responded.  Nope, not even close.  It's the fact the christians were condemning christians.  They are casting stones without knowing the whole story.  They were quick to point out the ignorance of a situation they knew nothing about.  Done for an opportunity to prove superiority and their own perfections.  All for the world to see.  All for those that already despise christians to have that disdain supported without any effort on their part.  The love that Christ says others will know we are christians certainly wasn't shown.  For them it was further confirmation that christians suck and that they will never live up to the standards christians set for the world to live by.

We are people, prone to screw up.  As christians we tend to forget the simple things in life can be appreciated in innocence without over analyzing everything.  Forgotten is how short life is and how much fun passes us by because we are too busy shooting for perfection that can never be attained.  I truly believe Christ sat around with the disciples having fun impersonating Peter and his rigidity.  When Christ had Peter walk on water, I pretty sure the other disciples laughed when his faith failed and he began to sink.  Sure there was a lesson, but what isn't accounted for is what happened afterwards when it was just Christ and the disciples around the camp fire that night.  And if Christ and the disciples could enjoy the simple things in life, why can't we?

Is it pride?  Is it a fear of accepting our own imperfections?  Are we so caught up in today societal need for political correctness that we are over sensitive to something that doesn't exist?  I don't have these answers nor do I know if there is an answer.  What I do know is that an answer may not exist.  I know that those who pointed out my errors have forgotten that like them, I am human as well.  I will never live up the their expectation of perfection just as they will never live up to any perceived expectations other have of them.  If I've been placed on a pedestal (self appointed or by others), expect failure.  If you find yourself on a pedestal, I hope you anticipate your own failure.

I expect these observations to offend many.  I fully expect those that read this will point out how wrong I am in my moment of honest reflection.  I am certain I'll continue being called a bully; insensitive; heartless; etc.  Go ahead, accuse me of that and more.  And while you continue calling me names I'll continue doing what I do to show love to those needing love.  Go ahead and look for my imperfections; I'll continue giving of myself.

For all the assumptions made about me and my insensitive actions; it's what isn't seen that really matters (as it does for you as well).  It's me volunteering time to kids; giving tickets to concerts to those who are trying with all they have to keep their grandchildren out of jail; showing compassion to a patient that has just learned they have cancer; helping someone reach something off the top shelf at the grocery store; praying with friends when they call asking for their nerves to be calmed.  I'll continue doing things in private without expectation of a thanks/recognition.

So thank you for your harsh words.  They have made me a better person.  Hopefully they will make you a better person as well.  And as for that pedestal you apparently put me on, I won't apologize for falling off.  I don't want to be up there.  I want to be on the same plane as you, as the homeless, as the janitor at your church.  If you want me up there, don't worry, Demon Hunter has a great song explaining that I will fail.  Lastly, know that despite the harsh words, I still love you as a friend; a person that adds value to my life.

Friendship Confession

Friendships make life beautiful.  They fill our lives with laughter, tears and celebrations.  From the mere acquaintance to the lifelong friend we are continually gaining and parting with friends.  Some friendships are for a short season; gone after someone moves.  Other friends stick with you despite the miles; family vacations include visits with these individuals and it's as if time never passed and the stories and laughter pick up where they left off the last time you saw each other.  Still other friendships are everyday; nightly drinks, phone calls, weekly dinners are all a part of this family bond you hold.  Each relationship is special in its own right.  We wouldn't be who we are today without those friendships.  If you are reading this it might be because we call each other friend or acquaintance.  Regardless, you are a part of my life, and I a part of yours.

But, I must confess something.  It's kind of a twofold confession.  It's something I've known but attempted to push it aside.  However, over the last few months I have come to the point where I must change a few things.  All good changes.  Maybe not comfortable changes and certainly not expected for some.  Changes though that must be made.

See, I love friendships.  I love talking to people and building that relationship. I meet some fascinating people in my job. I don't mind talking to strangers and getting to know that individual.  I'm fascinated by peoples stories.  I enjoy the process of getting to know people and them knowing me.  But, once I know you and have a relationship with you, I kinda become a horrible friend.

Allow me to clarify terrible friend status. I am a good friend; when sitting with people, when talking to them on the phone or over a cup of coffee.  I'll give you the shirt off my back if that is what you need.  If you call needing a listening ear, I've got two of them and will lend them anytime you have burdens or triumphs you desire to share.  I've got a home that I'll share to help keep you warm; food and water to give if you need a meal; whatever I have I will gladly share.  If you are a person of faith, I'll pray with and for you on a moments notice.  Yes, these qualities prove I'm a fairly good friend.  However, there is another side of any friendship that I'm not good at.

I suck at calling you to see how life is going.  I'm horrible about just stopping by to make sure you're still breathing.  Your name may run through my complicated mind for days on end, but I'll fail in discovering why.  You may be the silent type rarely asking for anything and I'll allow months to pass by before I see you and inquire about your daily goings on.  You may be going through divorce, a family illness or job uncertainty and unless you call me and tell me...I'm kind of a big jerk.

This discovery isn't new. I've confessed it before to a friend.  I'll say it again in the future.  But, the pain of admitting it while on vacation kinda got to me.  God finally convinced me I have to improve.  I have to be intentional in any communication with friends.  You shouldn't have to be the one reaching out for someone to listen to you, cry with you, laugh with, etc.  I have to be better.  I will be better.

Please, accept my apology for being a horrible friend.  If there is anything I work on this year, it is to be a better person in my relationships.  Continue calling/texting/messaging me, but I want to reciprocate those check ins.

Now, off to be the better friend I want to be.

God Never Gives Us More...Yes He Does

Happy New Year everyone.  I could easily write about the bringing in of 2018, the resolutions, the anticipation of something new and what fresh start lies ahead.  But that would be cliche of me.  You would probably just read a paragraph or two and chalk up this blog to another dreamer wishing everyone prosperity; reality stares all of us in the face knowing that some of us will fail at our resolutions, struggle with finances and face the loss of a loved one.

Over the last year my family has faced the loss of loved ones; the celebration of graduation; health scares; deteriorating health; job challenges; the list could go on, but you certainly understand.  You've been there too.  You might have faced worse or even better.  I pray that 2017 was everything you hoped it would be and 2018 holds as much greatness for you as you anticipate.

Now, here is where I hit you with some reality and some thought provoking.  What is your first thought when hardships hit?  What about tragedy?  How about the loss of a loved one when you expect it due to health?  Every situation probably comes with its own set of emotions.  I know that my state of mind is fairly broad when it comes to these situations.  At the end of 2016 that emotion was heartbreak after the first thought of, "Damn."  In 2014, when tragedy hit my hometown I was overcome with fear and confusion followed by that same word, "Damn."  In 2011 there was fear and a sense of helplessness.  Last year saw two family members with health scares.  Both times I was calm.  I knew age was and is catching up to those I love.  None of these instances were easy; the emotions were valid no matter which end of the spectrum I found myself on.

When you discuss those emotions with your circle of family and friends, what words of support do they provide?  I hope they cry with you.  I hope they hug you.  I pray they don't turn and run (which I do know happens).  But, there is one line that I hear all the time that I want to focus on.  It is a line that seems true when said and is meant in comfort.  However, I can find no confirmation of its validity.  I say this knowing I might be run out of churches and lose friends or considered to be losing my faith.  Before that happens, hear me out.  The line, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  I find this line cheap, insincere and unscriptural. 

Go ahead, tell me I've lost my faith.  Question what scripture I've been reading.  Then, show me where is scripture it tells us God gives us just enough to bend but not break.  If you can show me, then I'll accept that phrase at face value.  Rest assured though you will fail. 

Case studies for my belief in the falsehood of the statement.  1) Job: He lost his family; his wealth; his home; his friends told him God hated him and then left him; his health deteriorated; he was a shadow of himself.  I am sold on the fact he had a hard time handling this hardship.  2) Moses: He wandered the land for a few years (40 to be close to exact).  He lead a nations people after arguing with God.  3) John: Imprisoned; sent to Patmos to live as an exile; given dreams he never asked for (at least as I believe).  All three men loved by God.  I don't think they thought they could handle what was dealt to them.  All of them probably questioned what was happening.  I wouldn't find it hard to imagine them doubting God's presence or his love of them.  I also think they all wanted to have their Bruce Almighty moment - you know, the one in the beginning when he yells at God, "Smite me or mighty smiter!"  But, with all these instances, I don't see once where God allowed the trials to be easy.

What I do believe is that God allows for our hardships to be just that.  They are hard.  They should make you question things.  I believe it's okay to even give God that big ole fist and say, "What the hell are you doing?!?!?"  That belief is based on the fact that without that, we aren't learning how to trust him.  He wants us to cast our cares on him.  He wants us to talk to him about our feelings.  He wants us to get frustrated with our plights.  Most importantly, he desires us to get out of our own way and allow him to handle what we can't.  Why?  Because, we're not God.  We can't part a sea.  We can't walk on water.  We can't cause walls to fall with our own strength.  We just aren't that big. 

So please, show me where the Bible says God won't give us more than we can handle.  If you find that, then you'll also find where God wants us to do things on our own without him.  You'll see where he makes us little gods ourselves; and where Lucifer wasn't kicked out of Heaven.

When 2018 begins to give you a few lemons, go ahead, ask God to give you lemonade.  When you start seeing a loved ones health fade, know that God will comfort you.  If cancer begins to take over your body go ahead and wonder why; ask God, "What the hell are you doing?"  Get mad!  But, never feel as if you have to go at life alone.  God allows more than you can handle, simply so you can learn to lean on him more.